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it's finals week of my fall quarter, year 4. wow, does time fly or what. this quarter's been quite a ride... full of ups and downs, parties, good times but also crazyness like the time when my car was supposedly stolen, i rear-ended a car, i got a speeding ticket but got away with it (poor taiki). i guess this quarter, i've really been looking back, more than i should at my past with r... probably because this time last year was literally hell for me and i'm surprised i survived it. at the same time, i've started to look back again and feel depressed/anxious/hopeless all over again. i thought i'd overcome and past the whole r issue and the mess that came with it, but apparently not. i find myself going back and forth about him and can't seem to get over him no matter what i do. i don't understand why it's so hard... it's gotten to the point where i feel like i am basically an option to him, while he seems to be doing just fine being single. i pray about this almost every night, hoping and praying for some sort of happy resolution, for God to just stir my heart and help this situation change for the better... i wonder how much longer i will be stuck in this feeling of pain and loneliness. i felt that during the summer, i started up with bba and it gave me a lot of hope to be happy without him, even though i thought of him from time to time. but now without them either, all i feel is loneliness and continue to miss him... i go to the summit now each week, and while i'm there, i feel so filled but it's hard to maintain that feeling because the loneliness and thinking about r seems to consume me at times and i lose myself in my thoughts of what if's and memories. i thought that by this time this year, things would have changed... it has in many ways, i've grown a lot but at the same time, this loneliness continues to overtake me and i find myself missing him or broken by how unaffected he seems at times. i feel ashamed for contacting him first, but sometimes i can't help it and it doesn't help that he encourages it. i really need to start moving forward again... start bboying more, take dance classes or martial arts, meet more people and get out of this funk. forreals, saeko you need to snap out of it already. he's not worth it, the definition of douche pig and if i get back with him, i'm clearly not going to be happy... sigh. God, I need your strength to help me stay a positive person and continue moving forward. I need You to help become a stronger, happier WOMAN. I know i'm deserving and worthy of a loving, caring, honest and trustworthy man and friends. I can't take this any longer. please help me stand up and find happiness and help me surround myself with people who love and support me, care for me and whom I can trust. Help me become the best I can be and reach my dreams because I know I can. I will be happy, I will be strong. |
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i need to quit liking boys and letting em determine how i feel about myself. thanks S for punching me in the gut, it gave me the motivation to gain confidence the right way. ARTICLE: A young woman wrote to me recently, telling me that her whole life had taken a different turn since she heard me ask the question, “What one great thing would you dare to dream if you knew you could not fail?” She wrote that, up to that time, this was a question she had never even dared to consider, but now, she thought of nothing else. She had realized, in a great, blinding flash of clarity, that the main thing separating her from her hopes and dreams was the belief in her ability to achieve them. Most of us are like this for most of our lives. There are many things that we want to be, and have and do, but we hold back. We are unsure because we lack the confidence necessary to step out in faith in the direction of our dreams. Abraham Maslow said that the story of the human race is the story of men and women “selling themselves short.” Alfred Adler, the great psychotherapist, said that men and women have a natural tendency toward feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. Because we lack confidence, we don’t think we have the ability to do the kind of things that others have done, and in many cases, we don’t even try. Just think: What difference would it make in your life if you had an absolutely unshakable confidence in your ability to achieve anything you really put your mind to? What would you want and wish and hope for? What would you dare to dream if you believed in yourself with such deep conviction that you had no fears of failure whatsoever? Most people start off with little or no self-confidence, but as a result of their own efforts, they become bold and brave and outgoing. And we’ve discovered that if you do the same things that other self-confident men and women do, you, too, will experience the same feelings and get the same results. The key is to be true to yourself, to be true to the very best that is in you, and to live your life consistent with your highest values and aspirations. Take some time to think about who you are and what you believe in and what is important to you. Decide that you will never compromise your integrity by trying to be or say or feel something that is not true for you. Have the courage to accept yourself as you really are-not as you might be, or as someone else thinks you should be-and know that, taking everything into consideration, you are a pretty good person. After all, we all have our own talents, skills and abilities that make us extraordinary. No one, including yourself, has any idea of your capabilities or of what you might ultimately do or become. Perhaps the hardest thing to do in life is to accept how extraordinary you really can be, and then to incorporate this awareness into your attitude and personality. In developing unshakable levels of self-confidence, your self-esteem and self-regard are important starting points, but they are not enough. People have tried positive thinking and wishing and hoping for years, with only mixed results. To develop the deep-down kind of self-confidence that leads to victory, you need positive knowing, not just positive thinking. Lasting self-confidence really comes from a sense of control. When you feel very much in control of yourself and your life, you feel confident enough to do and say the things that are consistent with your highest values. Psychologists today agree that a feeling of being “out of control” is the primary reason for stress and negativity and for feelings of inferiority and low self-confidence. And the way for you to get a solid sense of control over every part of your life is to set clear goals or objectives, to establish a sense of direction based on purposeful behavior aimed at predetermined ends. Being true to yourself means knowing exactly what you want and having a plan to achieve it. Lasting self-confidence comes when you absolutely know that you have the capacity to get from where you are to wherever you want to go. You are behind the wheel of your life. You are the architect of your destiny and the master of your fate. Instead of being preoccupied with the fear of failure and loss, as most people are, you focus on the opportunity and the possible gains of achievement. With a clearly defined track to run on, you become success-oriented, and you gradually build your confidence up to the stage where there is very little you will not take on. Another essential way to build your self-confidence, through positive knowing rather than just positive thinking, is to become very good at what you do. The flip side of self-confidence is “self-efficacy,” or the ability to perform effectively in your chosen area. You can raise your self-confidence instantly by the simple act of committing yourself to becoming excellent in your chosen field. You immediately separate yourself from the average individual who drifts from job to job and accepts mediocrity as the adequate standard. Some years ago, a young man named Tim came to one of my personal-development seminars. He was shy and introverted. His handshake was weak and he had tremendous difficulty making eye contact. He sat in the back of the seminar room with his head down, taking notes. He seemed to have few friends, and he didn’t socialize very much during the breaks. At the end of the seminar, he told me that he was in sales and hadn’t been doing very well up to that time. But he had resolved to change, to go to work on himself, to overcome his shyness and to become very good at selling for his company. He then said good-bye, and I wished him the best of luck as he went on his way. A year later, he came back to take the seminar again. But this time, he was distinctly different. He was calmer and more self-assured. He was still a little shy, but when he shook hands, his grip was firmer, and his eye contact was better. He sat toward the middle of the seminar room, and he interacted quietly with people around him. At the end of the seminar, he told me that he was starting to move up in his sales force and had had his best year ever. He was determined to do even better in the year to come. About 14 months later, Tim came back to the seminar. This time, he brought five people from his company, all of whom he had convinced to come to the seminar, and he had offered to pay their tuition if they weren’t satisfied. He walked right up to me and shook hands firmly, looking me straight in the eye with a strong, self-confident smile. He asked if I remembered him, and I told him that I remembered him very well. He said that he had brought something that he wanted to show me. He took out of his pocket a letter from the president of a national corporation-one of the biggest companies in the country-personally congratulating him for the outstanding job he had done in sales in his territory in the past year. It turned out that Tim had gone from number 33 to number one out of 42 salespeople. His income had risen from $26,000 a year to $98,000, and he had increased his sales volume at a faster rate than any other salesperson in the country had. He was still quiet, but he had a wonderful air of power and purposefulness about him. He had taken the steps and paid the price to build himself into a fine young man. He had made the decision to do whatever was necessary to overcome his shyness and to develop the kind of personality that he admired in others. He was, and is, in every sense of the word, a self-made man. Perhaps the most wonderful result of developing high levels of self-confidence is the positive impact that your personality will have on your relationships. There are two mental laws that are always operating and that determine much of what happens to you in your interactions with people. The first is the law of attraction, which says that you will inevitably attract into your life people who are very much like you. The second law is the law of correspondence, which says that your outer world of relationships will correspond perfectly, like a mirror image, to your inner world of personality and temperament. In combination, these laws simply say that as you change in a positive direction, you will find yourself surrounded by people who are very much like the new person you are becoming. As you get better, the quality and quantity of your relationships will get better. You will meet nicer, more self-confident, more interesting and enjoyable people. You will find yourself getting along better with members of the opposite sex, including your spouse. You will find yourself doing better at your job, or even in a new job, and getting along better with your boss and your coworkers. Your attitude of confidence and calm assurance will make you more attractive to people. They will want to be around you, to open doors for you, to make opportunities available to you that would not have arisen when you didn’t feel as terrific about yourself as you do now. Often, people lack self-confidence in their relationships with others because they judge themselves poorly in comparison. Sometimes you become self-conscious of what you are doing and saying, and sometimes you are afraid that people will not like you or accept you the way you want them to. Well, there is an important mindset that you can adopt to improve your ability to get along well with others in a more relaxed and confident fashion. It’s important to remember that no one can affect your thoughts or feelings unless there is something that you want from him, or something that you want him to refrain from doing. As soon as you begin to practice detachment and decide in your own mind that there is nothing that you want or expect from another person, you will find that his ability to shake your self-confidence is greatly reduced. The people who are the most successful in human relationships are those who practice a calm, healthy detachment from others, and although they are friendly and engaged in the conversation, they don’t allow the behaviors of others to determine how they think and feel about themselves. As you can see, it is our fears and doubts that, more than anything else, undermine our self-esteem and self-confidence and cause us to think in negative terms about ourselves and our possibilities. As Maslow said, we begin to “sell ourselves short” and see all the reasons why something might not be possible for us. We magnify the difficulties and minimize the opportunities. We become preoccupied with the possible losses we might suffer and the possible criticisms we might endure. Our fears and doubts paralyze us, preventing us from acting boldly, lowering our self-confidence and causing us to think and talk in negative terms. In fact, this probably describes the great majority of mankind. Most people are so preoccupied with their fears that they have time for little else, and this preoccupation manifests itself in much of what they say and do. The only real antidote to doubt and worry and fear and all the other negative emotions that sabotage our self-confidence is action. Your conscious mind can hold only one thought at a time, positive or negative. When you engage in systematic, purposeful action, using and stretching your abilities to the maximum, you cannot help but feel positive and confident about yourself. Act as though it were impossible to fail. Act as though you already had a high level of self-confidence. And continually ask yourself, “What one great thing would I dare to achieve if I knew I could not fail?” Whatever your answer, you can have it if you can dream it, and if you have the self-confidence to go out and get it. Brian Tracy is one of the world's leading authorities on how to gain self confidence. He teaches both personal and business success principles. His fast-moving talks and seminars are loaded with powerful, proven ideas and strategies that you can apply immediately to get better results in every area of your life.
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so lately, i've been talking to a few guys... most of em are a dissapointment so they just come and go. i've recently been talking to this one guy though who i've pretty close with but i tend to always have a habit of falling for the douchebags.... actually after seeing c's situation, are any guys NOT that way? so i decided to look at how i can avoid that... play the game a bit differently so i won't keep seeing the same pattern. time to switch it up a bit. so i talked to the one guy who i go to for dating/mac'n. and trust, he is the playa of all playas. haha we had a conversation about how to think of relationships and dating and it blew my mind cuz its so opposite of how everyone else sees it. i donno if i should praise him for it or be offended but he's the one to go to for this stuff, really. so he tells me that when talking to guys/girls, you gotta always be on top... they gotta be into you more than youre into them... at all times and you gotta always remember not to fall head over heels. how? self CONTROL.control is very important, i realize. you gotta take control of any situation, of your life. and honestly, i realize i have a lot more control of my life than i realize. i just gotta step up and OWN it. be my own boss kinda thing. as far as dating, he says you should always just go with what feels best. cuz guys love to live and the problem is, girls live for love. also, he says that you should always go into a relationship thinkin its not gonna work, cuz if you go into it expecting it, your gonna lose. you gotta expect the worst and hope for the best, the best being that you'll be happy. also, you gotta know how to act. you gotta be like a ninja and get info about what he/she likes, doesn't like, etc etc. and figure him/her out and work with that. he also said you basically gotta be deceitful, cuz honestly, in this world, every man is out for himself and if that's the case, you just gotta go with the flow. also, in any relationship you gotta remember that you're always the SHIET. you dont have to be cocky but don't ever think you're lower than the person your with and you gotta always love yourself. gotta remember, "you're fine as FUCK". hahaha and if you fall for a guy/girl's tactics of tryna make you feel lower than who you really are, you ARE dumb. as a girl, you gotta be independent and in control. you gotta be able to act accordingly on your own. and the more girls or guys you have fallin for you, the more options you have. you also haveta remember to chill, and not put it out there. talkin to A gave me a completely new way of looking at it... maybe the guys way of seein it but as long as i'm not married, i think i should see things this way for a while too and learn to control and own me, of course always in accordance to God but i think these are new ways of thinking and living that will definitely help me become an overall better person. i think it'll help me establish myself and become more independent, so as of today, this is how i'm gonna live my life, at least until i'm ready to settle down. gotta love life and enjoy it while i'm living it but that also means that if i'm livin in this world full of sin, i gotta accept the way things work and roll with it, have control over my own life. :] i'm growing and learning and no man is controlling me, hurting me, tying me down, making me feel like shit. nope, the only man i will answer to is J.C. amen. |
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i have been feeling God's presence in my life recently. the love and joy i feel from His presence is indescribable. and yet at times, i tend to fall back to my old ways and then have that anxiety, fear and emptiness in my heart. the times i feel this way has lessened compared to before, but i definitely still have my moments. i pray every night, sometimes even in the mornings when i get that overwhelming feeling. and God seems to always answer me and comfort my heart. I wonder a lot about r still. how could he let those words come out of his mouth one moment, saying "FUCK YOU. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU HURT ME!" blah blah blah and live his life as if i don't even exist... as if the past never even happened... and when i finally summon the courage to tell him let's make it clear that it's over between us, he'll say things like "ill always love you... my one and only mrs bearsnail... ill always care for you... fate will bring us together again one day... i still want to be with you..." and so on. it drives me crazy to even try to figure out what's really going through his head. But I realize that the more I love myself and learn about myself, the less I want to be with him or miss him... which leads me to think that the past three years I was with him, it wasn't ME who he loved, but the idea of having me as his gf. who i was didn't really matter to him. and as for me, i realize that it wasn't him i loved so much but the idea of having somebody i can do anything with and feel comfortable around. but that means anybody could fill that spot, as long as i gave them that chance. as i learn more and more about myself, like how ive grown to become a bit insensitive sometimes (which is why me and r probably argued so much and didn't work too well) and how i LOVE being with people. i guess im a people person, a personable person. i also realize that i can talk to all kinds of people and most of the time get them to open up about themselves to me... others have told me this too. ive learned what i want in a relationship, in a guy, and in a friend. it's so easy to go back to old habits but now i know not only in my mind but also in my heart that my old ways won't lead to happiness... instead, it puts me in a very selfless position where i am just doing, not being. i realize that when i was with r, whether it was intentionally or unintentionally, he smashed and locked up the best in me, the parts of me that i should develop and be sharing with the world. he was pushing down God's gifts to me. But now, I feel that God is reminding me and showing them to me so i can learn to love myself more and gain the self-confidence i should have in myself. God has truly been answering my prayers and because of Him, I can smile today. Even though r said he'd show me love and i completely and full-heartedly belived he showed me exactly what it was in our relationship, i know now that i was wrong. i was wrong because now i know God's unconditional love. I know the love that keeps marriages together. I know the love that really is forever. so it's about time i really listen to his word and trust that He will lead me to a more deserving loving man, not a selfish, lying, controlling boy. As Pastor c said at church, God doesn't want me to settle for less than who He wanted me to be with, but ready myself for Him until He presents a man in my life who God sees as suitable for me. the past three days have been spent studying w/T, A, C, J. it's been very productive and i finished my biggest final (calc) today and turned in my final paper for LJ20. whoo! i lounged for the rest of the day, i actually cancelled studying session w/T cuz I started making dinner and it took a little longer than i excepted and by the time i finished, i didn't want to get up and get ready to go to the library. now i just have my french final and E ASN final paper left to work on. I really pray that i did good on that calc final so i can get a decent passing grade for that class >_<. the other classes i'm not too worried about. also, i got an email back from EM, saying i basically get a trial run and was asked for my info to start blogging for them. how nervewrecking. i talked to vicky about internships and interviews and asked her for some advice... hopefully it goes well. the morning i saw the email saying that i get to go for a test run, i was super hyped all day. They actually haven't gotten back to me about when to meet and the last email was sent last thurs or fri. hopefully, i don't get ditched like my other job interviews =( I'm also looking forward to fashion show w/k on thurs night in hollywood and nicks grad on fri. til then, i need to focus on finals and papers! for some reason, when i had some time on my hands... for the first time in a while, i started going back to my old habits... because of that, i almost wish i'd gone to the lib. to study w/t. i <3 her, she's such an amazing friend and role model to me even though she's younger. she's done SO much for me and i really want to give back to her more. i think i really need to appreciate the new opportunities and wonderful people God has put into my life. I even remember asking Him for these things too so how foolish am I to go back to thinking about and being depressed/scared/anxious about r? i'm going to take full advantage of all God has given me and continue to put Him first. He is the truth and the truth is what ive been seeking. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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a LOT has happened since my last post. first and foremost, i received Christ on 4.24.09. 2 days after my birthday. yes i am a Christian... I never thought that day would come but the past couple months, I've been going to EPIC, an Asian American Christian Fellowship group and it has brought me to God and ever since then, my life has changed completely for the better. i have yet to give my testimony to EPIC but it has been quite a journey thus far. otherwise, i am at the end of week 7 of my spring quarter of my third year here at UCI and i believe this quarter has been the best i've had. did i mention that i've been busy? EXTREMELY busy but at the same time, I feel it's been a good busy. I am still talking to r but at this point, I realize and accept the situation we are in now and even feel it is for the better than if we had continued the relationship as it had been.. if i had, i never would've grown and learned all that I have. and most importantly, I never would have found Christ. I actually believe that he had this planned all along for me... and perhaps it was the best for me to not only realize all that I have realized and to grow up but also to really surrender everything to God and see that life doesn't have to be as horrible as I'd made it out to be... there ARE other ways to live... happier ways to live and there IS such a thing as unconditional love in this world. I feel that as long as I put my faith in God, I have nothing to fear, I can overcome things I would not be able to on my own and God will follow through and keep his promises, unlike some people. an example of this happened today. i saw r after not having seen him for a while, and at first i felt horrible because i basically blew off dance practice with y and t and them because i could hang out with r. i felt horrible and realized my mistake... y and t have been here for me this whole time and yet i blew them off at the first chance i got and chose r over them. i think they might even be mad at me but i sincerely apologized to God. i kept calling r who wouldn't pick up and it was almost near 4... he'd told me he would come between 3 and 4. i got that feeling again when i felt anxious and unable to do anything because i was trying to get ahold of him but he just kept me waiting... i started thinking maybe i could've/should've just gone to practice. i prayed that God will forgive me and that i won't let this happen again... this was almost predictable for r anyways. i asked God not to let me feel this anxiety/stress for too long and right after my prayer, r called telling me he was just exiting culver. wow. prayers answered. i hurried to get ready and after i got in the car, we were on our way to the spectrum when already, we started arguing about some stupid little things... about how i wanted to spend more time with him than he could today and him saying that this is why he was afraid of talking to me again because i'd go back to expecting too much from him. we just argued in the car when we actually got there... and i was scared of where this was going... but again, i turned to God. i prayed in my head while we were arguing that I pray things will be ok between us today and it will get better, it will be okay. we drove again to a park to continue talking because he "liked talking to me rather than walking around" so we talked but the conversation took a turn for the better. he started telling me about how he went to counseling last week and he'd never cried so much before in front of someone before. he said he was ashamed about it but he also started telling me all that him and the counselor talked about... about how he realizes he had shortcomings of his own and why he behaved the way he did with me. he told me that his low self-esteem made him believe he had to pay for me to be worthy of me and he also said he realized that he was attracted to the single me, the me that was independent, tough, etc. but not so much the me that was in a relationship. he said he tried to change me to be more dependent on him and helpless when we got together so he could have a part in my life... because he felt that it would be the best way to integrate himself into my life. he talked about how he told his counselor he knows there are other people out there with similar qualities as me separately, but none of them have all the qualities put together as a whole as i am. so he mentioned that even if he were to settle with someone else in the future or have a family with someone else, he knows he would be thinking of me. and at the same time, he feels that the time i had to really think about us and make the changes i needed to make in my life, he was trying to keep his mind off of US by keeping himself busy. he said his counselor told him that this wasn't helping anybody and if he wants to get back with me which it seems like he is making some progress now that he can talk to me without yelling at me or freaking out about it, he needs that same time to change and reflect about us like i did. he said his counselor suggested cutting contact with me and changing his life and maybe even seeing what else is out there to really know if i am the "one" and waiting until both our lives are stable so we don't have other complications playing into our relationship. but, r wants to keep talking/communication with me, at least for today thats what he said. wow. i was really shocked and happy to see that after 9 months of me trying to tell him basically the same thing, he finally realizes some of them now and it's gotten through to him what i've been trying to say. thank GOD, my prayers have been answered. i hope this continues and he won't let me down/dissapoint me through this process of change he feels is necessary. i also have been going to counseling with Dr C. He has also helped me come a long way and realize a lot. He's also offered me some advice about resources and people I can go to for support. as for my family, i've been praying for them and even though things aren't exactly perfect at the house, i'm sure everything will work out when the time is right. i plan on telling them about my Christianity sometime soon too, and i always am praying that they will one day walk in this path with me. i think for the most part, that's a good summary for an update on my life since the last post. next week is gonna be even busier with a calc midterm monday, paper draft thurs for LJ, presentation in French on wed. but come weekend, its memorial day weekend. :D i have found a new love, i have found it in the Lord. a love greater than any i have or ever will know. Amen. |
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i wonder if at a certain point in your life, you figure out life. i feel like one day, i've got it figured out, i'm straight, set to go. then bam. another experience throws me into a new place, and i feel lost and confused again. is it because i'm backtracking or is that just how life is? am i just going back and forth between my past and a possible happier future? yousuke san came over on the 26th of this month, and is leaving tomorrow (4/1). three of those days were spent with me n r, more time with r than me. first day, saturday, me and r picked yousuke san up in torrance and went back to irvine to go shopping at southcoast then went to the spectrum to get cpk where v was working. yousuke san got to see v again :] but seeing her put r in a baddd mood and the tension between them was pretty obvious =/ he got mad/jealous about us going there cuz she was there. afterwards, we went to hookah in westminster, bought alky at marukai and went back to my apartment. yousuke wanted me to call up people but unfortunaaately, no one could make it and it was just us three. we played darts and drank, just chilled for most of the night. yousuke and r slept in the living room. the next morning, yousuke turned up the heater hella high and woke up with a fever. i went and got starbucks for everyone and after we were ready, we headed back to sd where we got yousuke a hotel room in sd. we decided to go to doubletree to check out rates n whatnot.. it was hella expensive but yousuke didnt refuse. he seemed pissed most of that time, maybe he was tired, or maybe he felt i shouldve done a better job at finding him a cheaper place... either way, i feel like i did the best i could helping him out, ESPECIALLY since everything was hella last minute AND i was starting classes again. after that, i went back home, ate dinner and knocked the fuck out. mom was worried/upset since i spent most of the weekend gone =/ i stayed home even though r and yousuke wanted me to come to dinner with em. i met up with em again on monday after class. i was busy til around 5 but r and yousuke came up and we went to get dinner at ajisen ramen w/ sach. after dinner, we got dessert at ce fiore and went to blockbuster to rent ringu 0. we came back to the apartment and watched the movie w/beers and popcorn. r and yousuke headed back around midnite back to sd since i live with 5 other girls and even though it was late and i didnt mind, i had to kick em out. today (tue) r drove yousuke back up north. they went shopping for gifts and he dropped him off back at torrance. i kept calling to make sure they were okay. the responsibility i felt i had for him was a lot to handle... and the translating back and forth 24/7 was also too draining. at certain times, i'd be too tired and my brain would just blank or i wouldnt make sense cuz i'd translate things directly without putting it into context. but having done that, i realize now how much i want to expand my vocab and perfect my japanese. not speaking much japanese except to my parents REALLY put a damper on my ability to speak it well and if i plan on working there, i better start developing and using it now. also spending so much time with r really messed with my brain. i feel frustrated... something just doesn't feel right. i felt so good about where i was before this whole yousuke thing happened but now i feel i'm back in that place again... where i push away other friends and constantly put r as a priority and rearrange my schedule, etc. to see him. i think this feeling comes from me being dissapointed in myself, dissapointed that i'm behaving this way again. i need god's help to prevent me from relapsing. at this moment in time, i actually feel like r is a good guy and as long as he changes, i can and want to be happy with him again =/ i'm starting to think that he really cares about me and loves me and then another part of me contradicts these thoughts and i feel so frustrated and dissapointed in myself. r asked me to hold onto his camera while we were out and he forgot about it so i found it in my bag... i looked through the pics and even though most of em were from family events, some were of him n that chik from the nye pics. it just wrenches my heart to see that. i realize how much he hurt me and i knowi can't forget the pain he caused me. wow, i sound like me months ago... confused about his true motives. and even though now i feel i understand a little better his true motives, i CAN'T forget that i have to think of my happiness and i can choose to NOT let him make me feel a certain ways or be hurt. i mentioned it once the past few days and regarding the whole issue between us, he says he still feels the same and he'd tell me if he felt otherwise. he said he doesnt want to feel the same way he felt before (like the whole jealousy issue) and things are complex between us but he wants to get back together when hes grown up more and things between us are better.... again, why am i so concentrated on what HE says and what HE wants? i cant let myself hurt again the way i did before. never again, NEVER again. yousuke ga iu koto ga atterunokana? tanoshikereba iinokana... god, i'm sorry i've strayed from you. i need your love and guidance once again. i want to be happy. i want to start this new quarter on a fresh start and have many happy memories and find friends to surround myself with who are positive and who truly care for me. i dont want to run in circles anymore. i can't fall back. i deserve better, i have to be stronger, i am stronger than that.
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yes, i wore green today... and without thinking about it either :] today i went to see dr. c again after a whiiile and we had an hour and a half long session. i updated him about my family and situation with r. and i think he got a little frustrated when i told him i gave in and basically said even though i say he's manipulating me, controlling me, etc. it is ultimately up to me to not give myself up to him so easily... he says im basically giving up my soul to the enemy or sleeping with the enemy because i accept his disrespectful ways and basically, he's doing things for his own benefit and happiness, he's not thinking of my happiness at all. dr. c told me that i should listen to my gut instincts, that voice telling me that something isn't right. he says that my situation is the same as if i'm an alcoholic and i'm trying to recover. if i want to recover, i can't keep going into bars. i have to realize that alcohol is bad and i have to stay away from it in order to get better. he told me the problem really isn't r, it's the fact that i'm not in control of my life and i have to admit to that first. he also mentioned the 12 step program. he told me that i have to cut off all contact and let him know i'm moving on. he mentioned r is asking me to wait for him.. until he "grows up", but no, i need a man that is already grown. i need to look out for myself and surround myself with people who care about me and i can trust... and letting r into that circle is unhealthy and dangerous to me. dr. c said he was concerned about r hurting me physically, and i mentioned the times he'd twist my arm or do something when we argued to shut me up but hearing this, dr. c said people like me, abused people, tend to make it sound like the physical abuse was justified b/c i was doing something bad and for some reason, r was doing right for me. dr. c also explained to me why i'm attracted to guys like this. he said its because i look for guys that have similar traits as my dad and i look at is as a similar relationship but one with "hope". he explained to me how i go into it trying to "fix" the relationship into the ideal relationship i would have wanted with my dad and become that daughter who was loved that i so badly wanted. wow, right? i think that hit the spot, thats exactly what it is. he told me that in order for me to break this cycle and to prevent this from hurting me, my children in the future, and my family, i need to learn how to depend on and trust in myself not look for protection and security in a boy that represents someone like my father. as far as my family, he made some suggestions. he told me my parents should maybe get involved with community activities or the japanese community in the area. for me, he told me i need to relearn what i learned as a kid... basically that all those things my dad said to me were not my fault. he suggested i get involved with clubs, feminist groups, meet new people and just expand my circle of people and influence. he said since i was with him for so long, i've had blinders, only letting me see things in one way and if i continue to do so, it will only hurt me in the long run. he told me i shouldn't look to be protected by a guy from other people and the real world. i'm strong and should depend on myself, i will be just fine on my own and i am very capable of doing well without a guy. there's plenty of support out there, i just have to get it from the right people. he also suggested a couple shelters and places i could go for support for abused and battered women. he also told me i should be "pro-women" and find what it means to be a strong woman, find a group of girlfriends who are independent and going after their dreams and have career goals, ambitions, etc. we (me and dr. c) decided to have appts regularly, and hopefully nick and me will go up during his break also. having made it through the past 6-7 months like this, i know i'm strong enough to change for the better and break the cycle. i just have to be my own best friend. :] dr. c also suggested i try taking martial arts classes so i can build upon my inner strength and know my capabilities and control. i think i might do that. there's a lot of things i want to try now and experience now that i'm done with it, now that i'm on my own for the first time. at first it was a scary thought, i felt alone and scared but i need to see it as a good thing, an amazing thing that's finally going to change my life for the better :] and it's been amazing now that i've let god into my life again.. i can feel His presence, i can hear him answering my prayers. life is good and it's about to get better. i'm going to be happy and the only one i need to depend on is myself and God. whew, a lot of life-changing thoughts for one day, i had to put it down somewhere. 
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life tends to work itself in mysterious ways. right now, i feel like i'm getting the life lessons i missed out on for the past three years in large doses every single day to make up for the lost time i was trapped in a controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. i also feel like i'm going in the right direction... it feels so right now that i'm my own person and allowed to be happy and live my life. i realize i didn't know what a healthy vs an unhealthy relationship and knowing that, r took advantage of it whether intentionally or subconsciously, and brainwashed me into believing i did all these horrible things to hurt him when really, they were all innocent things that he twisted into wrongdoings to make me feel guilty and keep me in a box. i realize that a lot of his blaming me comes from his own insecurities and i realize now that i personally didn't do as much as bad as he made it seem. i know in my heart i have shown my repentence and asked for forgiveness. i know i have learned from my mistakes and for that i am a better person. i know that right now, i am only a security net for him... an option... and he isn't thinking at all about my feelings or my well-being. he even said himself that he needs me but doesnt want me, and that i am a security blanket for him. he told me he wants to be alone to grow up but he wants me to wait around for him... but in reality, growing up is something everyone does on their own and when they do, theres no guarantee those two people will still want the same things. basically, i realize for my happiness and my sanity, whats important is not him. it is my performance in school, job, activities, health, and surrounding myself with positive people who support and truly care about me. three years of my life i was brainwashed and manipulated. its about time i learn to be happy and live MY life. my childhood was not my choice but my adulthood is and i choose to be happy. :] amen to that. |
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sometimes i think god sends people my way for a reason. one of those reasons is after the recent incidents i've been having with c. today, i got a call from her and decided to call her back. she told me she's been looking for her own place to move out to. i asked her about sh and she said things haven't changed too much between them but hopefully, they will when she gains the courage to confront him with her feelings. afterwards, she asked me about me and r, if things are any different and when we last talked. i told her everything and well basically, i felt like she figured out a BIG piece of the puzzle, maybe what it took for me to finally move the last pieces to move on. she mentioned how by what i've told her, he doesn't seem to be a very likeable person. he doesn't have very many friends and maybe there IS a reason for that. maybe he didn't like any of my friends and mine didnt like him for a reason. he drove what little of them i had and manipulated my whole frame of thinking. he manipulated me into believing that the problems in our relationship were entirely my fault and he did nothing wrong and in reality, even though there were faults i had of codependency, his controlling ways led me to what he says are "the problems that broke us up". he manipulated me into making me feel guilty for having girl AND guy friends when that's perfectly normal. he manipulated me into feeling guilty for having something that made me happy that he didn't have.. and he wanted to be on equal grounds since he didn't have very many female friends for his own self-esteem. it's true that he made the sacrifices he made and all that but he did it because he needed me and he had nobody else. but now that he has other people and he's not lonely, it seems like he doesn't need me, basically he used me like a fucking toy and i think i'm still getting played with. who knows maybe he is talking to other girls and has their numbers.. and maybe he's hooked up with some already. whether he treated me the way he is now when we were together or not, i can't really remember but right now, him saying things like "are you fucking stupid?" or him getting mad when he told me he had some crazy dreams and i asked him what they were about is NOT okay. i dont know why i let myself think it is. he tells me, i had some crazy dreams though and i ask him to tell me about it and he says "no its way too much" and i was like "what were they about?" and he goes "what the FUCK. youre gonna make me tell you about my dreams, i'll tell you later. i'm sick i'm not going to jump through hoops for you. you're giving me a headache, i'm gonna go rest, bye". enough said. i just think at this point, like c said, i have every reason to go out and do what makes ME happy and be selfish. and clearly, actions speak louder than words. he told me he's a bad liar, that was a lie. for my own sake, i CAN'T forget the look he gave me when he lied straight to my face.... i can't forget the smirk he made when he admitted his lie. and i can't let him take advantage of my caring and good nature. let this be a REAL lesson to you, Saeko. there is a reason why i found out those lies and things are the way they are now. there's a reason why i'm unhappy and i feel the way i do. like c said, i think i should just NOT talk to r for a while, a month lets say, and see if hes still worth it and during that time, i should go out and meet other guys because until i do that, i won't see what else is really out there and that there is happiness i am missing out on. the truth of the matter is he's not making me happy, i wasn't happy most of the time we were together, and he probably won't make me happy in the future. why is that? it's not because i was a horrible person for not being able fall in love with him when he was sacrificing so much for me. it was because he was basically getting his way and doing all he did for his own selfish desires and needs and it wasn't what i wanted but me telling him that didn't convince him so i played along with what he told me and eventually ended up with him for three years, letting him manipulate my way of thinking. the person i keep thinking of him to be isn't the person he is, and like everybody keeps saying, i think that's what all the clues and hints are pointing at. i can't doubt myself anymore. i have to make a decision and really stick with it because only then i can be proud and happy with myself.... he isn't going to make me happy, i need to do it for myself. i also think a lot of the things i tolerate are because of what i've had to tolerate as a kid growing up. it's one of the only things that was and still is familiar in my life since my environment was also changing. and that is a sad thing to think that being told demeaning things and being verbally and physically abused are what i'm USED to and COMFORTABLE with. but that's definitely why i put up with it and let r speak to me that way. people aren't perfect but that's why as adults, we have to be our own parent and fix what we can to become better people and i'm starting to realize that having r in my life won't allow me to do that. just yesterday, i realized that i got so frustrated with the situation between us that i resolved to my own ways and tried to control the situation by lying. i was so ashamed and disgusted with myself and didn't know what to do and i REALiZED that the reason i did it was because all i wanted was to feel that i had SOME control of that comfort i needed and wanted in my life. but the truth is, that comfort isn't going to bring me happiness... and maybe that's why i've never had happiness. i need to find a new comfort that BRINGS me happiness as well.the fact that i had to stoop to that level in order to feel like he actually cares about me should say something.. and also the fact that i've done it in the past. i don't normally go out of my way to pull shit like that... i did it because no matter what i tried, i felt like i was going in circles and i wasn't getting the validation that i needed. going out and lying about a situation like that is NEVER a good thing. but, the fact that i did it i think shows that despite what he says, his actions speak differently and it's leaving me still confused when it should and COULD be clear. comfort isn't going to be bring me happiness, CHANGE is. |
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what a weird day. i randomly saw l online and so i talked to her after having not talked to her in.... a whiile and we decided to hang out and met up in encinitas. she hadnt changed at all which was a good thing for me, to see some familiarity in my life. anyways we went to starbucks at first, but it was clsed so we went to Ecafe.. it was chill, we caught up on life and talked then went outside and talked with l's people. her friend, roc, well i always knew he was a weirdo but damn. these people were fucking weird.... this one tall white guy starting ranting about his adventures in jail and breaking some girls nose after fucking her. fascinating no? i just listened in amusement of these crazy stories of these crazy people. at one point, they were making fun of asian people and of me and i wondered why i was even hanging out with these people. after a couple HOURS of talking about what was absolute nonsense to me, it was just me roc and l and we started talking about my issue... and even though these people are crazy, hearing this gave me reason to stay. roc said it perfectly. why give myself unnecessary bullshit? life is already full of pains and life is too short, i shouldnt add voluntary bullshit in my life. the relationship from what hes heard, is pure emptiness and people should be able to do whatever the fuck they want that makes them happy and if the person your with gets in the way of your friendships, your happiness or family, then fuck them because all it does is add headache and pain in your life. he also said, men are dogs and apparently, he thinks the way he acted with me just shows that he was doing the same shit or worse behind my back and it was his insecurities that made him so controlling and jealous.... and from l, she also gave me wonderful advice. she told me that i should surround my life with beautiful, happy and precious things, and if its not any of those, turn away and leave it. which is so true... i need to realize that, i need to completely and whole-heartedly believe that so i can live a happier life. cutting all ties seems to also be a necessity if i am to completely move forward... which is true because he is definitely pulling me back from moving forward and i am sick and tired of getting thrown around by all his lies and uncertainty of what he wants and just speaking to me with utter disrespect and exploiting my feelings for him. i deserve better, i deserve true happiness and if a man is going to take hold of my heart, he better take care of it right or he doesn't deserve it. i need more self-dignity and confidence in myself to not allow myself to do this. and as l said, there are certain lines you cannot cross, and the lying he did and the behavior he showed, especially on new years, was completely intentional. a tainted relationship like that seems unfixable at this point... completely and utterly pointless to try and make into something beautiful because its simply not and never was, bottom line. i deserve happiness and i deserve love and i am not finding either with this man, r. |
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a lot has happened since my last update.... A LOT. so basically, last saturday i found hella pictures of r at a NYE party on facebook. he was drunk and dancing with other girls in some of the pics... my heart DROPPED. i felt my blood pressure go up and my heart beating faster in my body. i went numb and was about to break down, it was only me and my roommate so i grabbed my keys, looked for the pack of cigs but couldnt find it, so just left straight for my car. i didnt know what to do... i didnt know what to think... he had told me he had to stay home with his family for new years.. he had me sitting at home belieiving he was doing the same. i called constantly from around 10 30 on new years eve to a little past midnight but NO answer. at 2am, i got a text saying "omg i slept through new years". the next morning, i got a call around 9ish.. he called to say happy new years and told me he had slept through the new years, and when he woke up around 2 am, went downstairs and his parents hadn't woken him up and they just said "oh, happy new years". he said hes walking his dog right now and that this year is going to be a good one.... all BIG. FAT. LIES. i had a feeling in my stomach that something was wrong, so i kept calling throughout the day but he never answered... i went over and kept calling but no answer. i got a text from natalie asking me if ryans moving to the phillipines. another WHAT THE FUCK incident. i had never heard about any of this. i called natalie to ask her if she knew anything about r... she told me irvins mom had told them that he was thinking about moving there for school and was going to go check it out this summer with his bro and l and his dad. it confused the fuck out of me.... now i needed to talk to him. i went to his door and rang but no one answered. i only got texts with him tellin me that he cant talk cuz theres "an emergency". i told him its important and i need to talk to him... i told him we need to talk today. he said we'll talk today but he doesn't know what time. i said okay and waited... around 8 or 9pm i got tired of waiting and said im heading over to a park we decided to meet at.. he said he doesnt know when he can be there. i was there at 10 and waited until midnight.... around 10 30, he called me telling me that he was passing by riverside... i asked him why and he said because he had to go to lake elsinore to pick up his grandmas medicine and he was on his way back. i waited in my fucking car in the cold with no heater for 3 hours. i finally saw his car and we talked... when i asked him about moving to the phillipines, he said "that's what you wanted to talk about? that's not even a big deal". it made me feel horrible... he told me all that talk about how he will always love me, etc. but he doesn't know if we'll ever be together again. blah blah. after talking for about an hour or so, i drove back.... now imagine how i felt when last week, i see pictures from a NYE party in hollywood with him drunk dancing with other girls. i felt paralyzed... i couldn't think straight. i just felt in shock... in disbelief. i called my mom and basically couldnt control myself from bawling and letting her know everything. she listened and i could tell she felt sorry for me and cared about me. she asked me if i'll be ok tonight and i told her i think so... she said if i want, she can pick me up then (it was around 8 pm) or she can come tomrrow (Sun). i told her i'll make it somehow tonight but if she could come up tomorrow, i'd love that. i had made plans with d already anyway... i wiped away my tears and called d. d said they were on their way and i told em the situation... they said its ok, i should go cuz they'll cheer me up. i figured staying at home by myself with e wasnt gonna cheer me up anymore so i decided to go and we went to a hookah bar in redondo. talkin to one of em, r who has been in a relationship for 7 years was telling me how the most important thing in any relationship is trust and honesty and if thats not there, it'll never work out. .. the next day, my mama came over to see me :) i will never ever forget what she did for me that day for the rest of my life. she was dressed up and i could tell she was worried about me. we went panera, i had lost my appetite so i couldnt eat much but we talked for a couple hours about the whole thing. she basically told me that she just wants me to be happy and by the sound of things, i'll be better off if i just move on and drop him. we even talked about if i were to marry him, etc. and how lying to me and the things he's done and the way he is, it'll most likely just be harder on me if i stay with him. in my mind, i knew she was right, and i knew d was right, and nat was right... i needed to move on because the fact was, i am not in a relationship with him anymore. and the way he is treating me now is just unacceptable/disrespectful and is just hurting me. thinking about how he's possibly talking to this girl or that and what other things he could have lied about hurt me so much... it hurt so much to feel those feelings and come to terms with it. during this whole time, he hadn't called me and i thought he'd figured out the pictures were found out and thats why he wasn't talking to me. i called him that night and asked him "you would never lie to me right? i can trust you right?" and he told me "of course" when he could tell by my voice that something was wrong, he asked what and i told him we'll talk in person. he kept asking what was wrong and he told me he had no idea. we agreed to meet on tue and talk. so... come tue afternoon, i was a mess! i went to class but couldnt concentrate at all, i was jittery and could NOT calm down. i kept calling his phone but he didnt pick up until about 12 and he told me he just woke up... he told me he'd be here at 1 but apparently his alarm clock wasnt set. he got here around 2 ish. he seemed happy to see me but i couldnt even though i was glad to see him. we finally talked.... i asked him "were you really at home on new years?" he told me "yea, even ask my dad" and i told him bullshit, i saw the pictures. he told me, "i donno what your talking about" i told him "yes you do, you evn commented on one of them". then he broke out with a smirk and said "okok i was in LA on NYE". even after mentioning the pictures, he had still denied it... i started crying and he told me "i was at home but my dad wanted to go to LA and he wanted me to go with him". i'm not sure what to believe but after he admitted it, i asked him, aren't you sorry? he said "well yeah, i am i already said sorry but what do you want me to do?" he hadn't even apologized yet. i said that and he says "ok, well sorry". he said he didn't even realize that the pictures were on facebook and thats how i should know he doesnt lie all the time. i smack him and donno what to say either. he says "so what happens now?" as if i know the answer to that. we parked at southcoast but after this talk and with me crying all over hte place, he says "here, let me make this easier" and grabs the keys. he tries to drop me off so i grab the keys from him and tell him he CANT do that right now. we talk a little more and i asked him if he is going to continue lying to me. i told him that i cant have that and he told me he doesn't know and he doesn't know what he's become because he's a different person now and he isn't even sure if he can be a good friend, let alone in a relationship. he said that other people have told him that he's been acting like an asshole lately to them and he said he cares less about other people now, including me. did that because he didnt want to hurt me but the thing about his grandma in lake elsinore was true and he said on his way back, he picked up her medicine in lake elsinore.... after i calmed down, we walked around southcoast but didnt look through any stores. i was clearly mad at him and told him he has to be my slave for the day... he tried to be affectionate but i brushed him off so he says "ok, fine i can do what i want, im a grown man" and i told him hes not grown, hes immature. and he told me i am too. i told him if he isnt going to take care of my heart, he will lose me forever and if he wants that or not. he says of course not. i told him if he wants to marry me and blah blah and he said in a low voice, "yea, i DO wnat to marry you" after that, we went to the lab and later got dinner at anjin where the mood got better and we tried new foods, (tongue, tataki, and other bbqs) i asked again whether he wants my heart and to take care of it, make me happy, or be single and flirt with other girls, lie to me, etc. he says well thats easy and chose my heart. after that, we went to the spectrum and walked around some more. i told him by the end of the night, he needs to decide what changes he is going to make. at the end of night, he told me that he wants my heart and he promised not to lie anymore and that he will try to make me happy but he knows that right now, he can't make me as happy as i deserve to be. he says he wants to ease into a relationship but right now, he wants his space and he wants to be single and live his life so i can't have expectations from him like i did when we were together in a relationship. but he told me he isnt talking to other girls and doesnt plan on dating other girls. he said that right now, were best friends that are getting married like i said. he says that dancing with other girls is ok though cuz his bro does that even though he's married and his wife is there. i didnt like the uncertainty of the conversation so i kept questioning him but it just went in circles so we left it at that and he left. after about 20 minutes, he called me and he told me how as much as me and him want a relationship right now, he feels like i had treated our relationship while he treated it like a final draft and its not fair to him for me to be asking for a second chance. he told me that because he gave me his all, he cant give anything else. he told me that he can't just forget the past and when he's with me, that's what happens. he told me how dare i not let him feel the pain that i caused him and he told me he wants to feel that pain by himself and thats why he cant just jump into a relationship again. and with the ***, he said we have to slow it down... which i agree. he also said that we'll talk just as much if not more, and we'll see each other once or twice a week. i figured after seeing him tue, if he sticks true to his word then it can work out.. but obviously if the lying continues, theres absolutely no way this can work. i've come to the conclusion that maybe my pushing for a relationship had led him to lie about where he was... and if i live my life, let him be then maybe things will get better? as of now, i plan on putting myself first, not him, and doing more for myself and bettering myself as a person and living my life, doing what i need to to build on MY future. and IF his words are true and he sticks to it, then that's a big step from where we were... because now i know that we are heading in a direction... not just wandering and unsure of whether we're even working toward a future together or not. i also think it was god's way of proving to me that i can have faith in him when i figured out r's pw where i'd found the pics. that day, i even found a convo b/w him n the one i was suspicious of and from their convo, it doesnt seem like they had anything going on. and as he had said, she DOES have a man, and they dont talk much on fb. maybe its a sign that i figured out and found this out... one things for sure. finding that out probably prevented a heart attack from killing me. when i figured it out, i never thought it'd actually be right so of course my heart was pounding while i looked through everything. and thank god for showing this to me, i feel at peace, i just hope that it lasts and this peace grows to happiness with r. yesterday, we talked for a while after i got out of my night class and was waiting for my bus, he was watching ABDC and stayed on the phone with me while i walked back to my place. afterwards, we talked online and talked a bit then too. i asked if he wanted to hang out this weekend and he says he needs to stay home cuz of his parents since theyre both home on weekends. im going to believe him but he says maybe we can hang out sun and/or mon since mon is a holiday. right now, he told me theres drama in his house and that he'll call me later around 8pm and its now almost midnight. i'm going to put my faith in him since he did say that he will take care of my heart. god if you are there, i admit to my mistakes in the past but i take responsibiltiy for them and have learned greatly from them. please give me the happiness and peace that i deserve and please make it clear whether r should be a part of my happiness and life or not. i know that i love him and i have never loved this much before but i cannot take the pain I am getting back now... will this love grow or die? will he stay true to his word and can we ease into a BETTER relationship? god please give me an answer. this is too hard.. i need your help, i love you and need you God. |
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Wow, I did not even know there were these stages that came with every healthy relationship... good to know and perhaps it'll help me find happiness in the future when it comes to relatonships. Stages of a Healthy Relationship : Many people often wonder what is healthy when it comes to their relationships with each other. We often ask ourselves questions like these: Is it okay to be thinking about him or her non-stop? We got into a nasty fight - are we doomed? Are we going to lose all interest in each other after 5 years of being together? Before you panic after a fight or worry that you will lose the sparkles in your eyes, remember that most relationships go through stages. The stages of a healthy relationship will naturally have its high points and low points - each stage brings you closer to each other and helps build a stronger relationship with your partner. Here are 5 Stages of a Healthy Relationship: 1. Romance Stage: This is the part where you’ve first just met. Everything is at a whirlwind, you think about the other person constantly, you want to be with each other, you’re trying to look your best for each other. Birds are chirping, the world looks sunny, life is WONDERFUL! It’s a fun and flirty stage, and things aren’t too serious yet. These are signs that your relationship is beginning on a healthy note. However, If you’ve only been with someone for a couple of dates and you don’t feel any magic or intrigue or you’ve already encountered some major concerns or issues - there’s a good chance it will not progress well into the next stages of a healthy relationship, so you may want to reconsider beginning one before things get too complicated. 2. The Steady Stage: This is the stage that most couples hit between knowing each other 2 and 6 months and can last anywhere for a few months to a few years. They’ve each other’s friends and families. They’ve begun to delve deep into knowing each other and they like spending time together. One of them may even decide to finally admit that they’re falling crazy in love with the other person. All normal in the steady stage. There may be a few misunderstandings or disagreements, but most are minor and usually forgiven in a short period of time. Physical intimacy usually is heightened in this stage. Commitment is this stage is very strong - you’re not dating anyone else, and couples usually get engaged/married in the steady stage while things are going good. In this stage, you’ll have a pretty good understanding of what you can expect in the future - but most relationships at this point will not be at a level of complete mature love. If during the steady stage you see problems, there’s a good chance you won’t survive the next stage below. 3. The Conflict Stage: When two people are together on end for any period of time, eventually conflict will arise out of things that were acceptable or okay before. Maybe you’ve moved in with each other, but now one partner is taking on more responsibility than the other. Maybe in this stage outside influences such as health, family, or financial pressure will take its toll. There will be some points when you argue or your partner begins doing things that aggravate you more and more. Resentment may build up, or past issues that were ignored in the previous stages now start to come to a boil. In the conflict stage, a healthy relationship will continue and find solutions to work through these problems. The couple will still communicate and if problems continue will seek professional help. But many relationships will break down at this stage - communication comes to a halt, intimacy comes to a halt, people find themselves feeling hurt, and sometimes the relationship will end. This stage can last for several months or several years before the couple finally finds a way to move on - together or not. 4. Unconditional Love Stage: This is the stage after you’ve gone through the conflict stage and know ways of working with each other even if you do not always disagree. At this point most relationships are at their healthiest - both partners have completely accepted each other’s flaws, there is complete trust in the relationship, and when there are problems they are dealt with maturely and mutually. You are completely comfortable with each other , best friends, and know that no matter what happens you can make it through and still love one another. Almost all healthy relationships will make it to this stage, unless they’ve neglected the final stage detailed below. 5. Water-It Stage: Like plants, relationships need some sunlight and water to continue to grow and thrive. You’ve also got to put some effort into keeping the unconditional stage going. If you stop showing your partner intimacy or couples begin to get caught up in other issues outside of their relationship, its possible that the relationship could regress back into the conflict stage. Couples can keep the unconditional love going strong if they continue to nurture their relationship and give it the attention it needs. As you can see, the stages of a healthy relationship have its ups and downs. The biggest difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships is each partner’s willingness to work through everything and showing each other mutual love, respect, and understanding. Unhealthy relationships rarely make it through these stages, as problems such as trust, resentment, jealousy and other issues take more precedence over the caring feelings towards one another. |
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i'm tired of going in circles. i'm tired of getting hurt and being unhappy. i'm tired of feeling disrespected and broken-hearted. if anything, i WILL find happiness for myself. happiness and peace. the past few weeks, we've been seeing each other every few days and having the old fun we always do... and of course, he always ends up wanting to do that at the end and of course, why would i say no? i love him... and yet, the times we aren't together, i feel that he pushes me aside... my calls seem to be ignored, only noted when they seem urgent. the other night, thursday, he was supposedly picking up his medicine for his grandma and we were suppose to meet up around 8 or 9. well he basically just told me "gramma, emergency, call you later" i started calling around 9 and kept trying... but no response. i started driving over to the park we were going to meet to talk around 10.. and when i texted him that i almost died driving, he finally texted me saying "stay put til i say so" and i say i cant cuz im driving.. he calls me a bit later, saying "WHAT DID I SAY? STAY WHERE YOU ARE! ITS FOGGY... I'M BY RIVERSIDE RIGHT NOW, WAIT FOR ME" and that was the first time i knew that he drove to lake elsinore to pick up his grandmas medicine.... he continued yelling, "GREAT WAY TO START OFF THE NEW YEAR.. I'M TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE AND EVERYONE WONT GET OFF MY BACK, FUCK". too bad i only knew of what he told me... i waited from 10ish by his house in my car to midnight... keep in mind, it was fucking freezing outside and foggy too so i couldn't really drive anywhere. he finally gets back and pulls up next to my car,says "WAIT IM GONNA DROP OFF MY GRANDMAS MEDICINE" and he comes back a lil while later, and we go to the park to talk. oyes, i forgot to mention, the reason why we are talking is because i had said, theres something i want to talk to him about. natalie called me asking me if hes moving to the filipines and also after talking to her, that he had said he'd wanted to move there himself and that him and his dad and brother and lani were going to "check it out" over summer.... something i had NEVER heard of until then. i continued calling him all day. i finally left a voicemail around noon and actually drove to his house cuz it seemed necessary to talk asap. i left a voicemail that was basically me crying and freaking out, which i was, telling him that i needed to talk to him today. so back to the story, i first started by asking him if he has anything to tell me. he told me no. then i asked him about what natalie had told me... he told me with a sigh that his dad is just running his mouth again. he told me that his dad had said he wanted his brother and him to take care of a condo in the phillipines that they own and that r was offered a job there so he had considered but he isn't moving there and is just going there for a week or two in feb.... when i'd heard this, i felt like my world was turned upside down... it just came out of left field and when i talked to nat, she said if he really is moving, i should obviously move on. after he told me this, i said "were you ever planning on telling me? when you were considering this, did you even think about me?" he basically said that he was looking out for himself first now and as with us, he just thinks that things will work itself out between us if it's meant to be. wow. and then he says, "this is what i rushed back here for? see, this is why we had a problem before. you find something that i find minor a major deal". um, maybe if youre selfish and only thinking about how you feel... maybe to you, it was minor but to someone who cares and is sacrificing for you, its major. anywho, then we talked for about an hour about how things are between us and he basically told me that he if he could have what he wanted, we would be together, live together, go to school together, etc etc. but he can't have all he wants and we had our relationship happen but it didn't work. he also said that but even then, after being hurt by me, he feels that he still loves me and his love hasnt changed for me at all and he could never be vindictive toward me. he told me that even if i never spoke to him after today, he knows that he will go to his deathbed having only loved one person and thats me. i said to him but im sure you want kids and a family and a wife... he said sure, he wants that but he cant be with someone else because he loves me most... i asked him that im sure he can love another after time, but he just said "then it's not love if i can love just anyone". when i asked him if he has hope for us to be together again, he said he has a little hope but not right now and that we should be best friends for now. he said since the past month or so, we've been seeing each other a lot and doing it every time... and we act like we're together. he said he can't control his feelings when he's with me and he trusts me but he needs to learn to "distrust" me... because he's scared of himself getting hurt. i told him how hard it is for me and he told me that he never wanted or wants me to get hurt in any of this, and he would never go out of his way to hurt me. he told me if i can't handle that, i should move on. but he wouldn't have driven up to irvine to see me, he wouldn't have invested the time he has, and wouldn't be talking to me now if he didn't want a future with me. he told me he loves me and will always love me and if we don't get back together in ths lifetime, then the next.... which i'm sorry, but is just not something i believe in. i asked him if he considers me when he's making decisions for himself and he basically said no, hes looking out for himself now and things will work out between us if its meant to be... and also that were not "married or anything". he said i'm not doing that either and with that, i told him how im probably not going to france because im considering him and i want to fix things with him.... with that, of course he attacks me again, telling me that im wrong for doing that and if he had an opportunity like that, he would take it. he told me that he thinks he's held me back from a lot of things after going to college and that i should live my life because i'm bound to do lots of great things for japan, and i have a lot of potential and greatness that a lot of other people want from me. i just dont understand... why does he say what he says? it doesn't make sense to me... he says that its me or no one else but at the same time is pushing me away? and yet, when i ask him if he wants to do something with me, he usually says yeah... he says even if he tries, he couldnt ever hate me but he wants me to be happy so if i wanted, i should be with someone else. is he just guilt tripping me? because when we're not together, he ignores my calls or doesn't respond for a longass time or tells me he didnt get it... the day we went to carlsbad outlet, he was driving and he starts telling me about mitsuaki and he mentioned how he isnt with his gf anymore... i said o really? and he said yeah, that model girl who looks like you. and i told him that i know model girls and usually theyre not looking for what mitsuaki wants, a serious relationship. and he tells me, well "i went to his school and i wasnt checking them out or anything but if you were up here, 75 percent were down here"... not sure if thats a compliment but after that, i asked if a girl cheated on him, if he'd ever take them back or forgive them. he says "no, why do you ask?" i say "o okay, im just wondering" and he asks me "why are you cheating on me?" i say no and he goes "have you had sex/kissed anyone after weve broken up?" and i say "no, have you?" he says no, did you see the way i talked to you ? i couldnt even talk to you, someone i know well. (after we did the whole 4 christmases act inside a store and he got nervous and couldnt talk to me) wow, now im rambling.... anyway, my point is, i get that right now, he doesn't feel he can be in a relationship because he thinks i'll hurt him again when he trusts me completely and it'll be that cycle all over again... and he's not sure if it will ever work again... but if it's meant to be, it'll happen. and also that he knows he will go to his deathbed having only loved one person.... it's me or no one else. but this puts me in a horrible position... i feel guilty for moving on and yet, i can't stay like this, giving my all to a person that doesn't treat me respectfully and doesn't give as much because we aren't "together". he also said people can love each other without being in a relationship... and that i want to make it official but it doesn't have to be official for him to love me and me to love him. he also said he can die happy knowing that he had the greatest love of all for me. the next day, yesterday, he said he has a lot of shit to do for his dad's party (cleaning up and errands and whatnot) so if he gets finished, then MAYBE we can hang. i said ok and called him around... 3ish, and he sounded PISSED "IM STILL CLEANING, FUCK.... LET ME GET THiS DONE SO MAYBE WE CAN HANG OUT, FUCK". i was like "ok.. bye" and called later, he picked up and said "i still have alot to do... sorry i dont think i can hang out today. im so stressed, ill go online or call you later". i said ok and kept busy. around 9 30, i called but no response... called a BUNCH of times but no response... at 11 30, i get back "still cleaning call you later" i say "wow still? call me tonight... and hey, i just wanna let you know, if anything happens, i'd risk my life for you... know that you mean the world to me mr bearsnail" i get back "i will... and i know that already" so i say "ok as long as you know". this is at 11 30 ish... at 1 30 still no call. so i say "dont be too sure... i just checked," referring to my "spotting" but basically just to get a fucking response or call back. and around 2, i get "wait what" and i say "call me when your done.." he goes "so sleepy" i go "... so am i ive been waiting for someone to call me all night". i get a call at 3 FUCKING AM that wakes me up... i tell him about the spotting then say "hey when you were considering moving to the phillipines, why did you say no?" and he says " cuz i didnt want to?" i say why not? he says "cuz i didnt want to... its too far and it seemed more logical... ok? thats like asking why i like the color blue" and he sounds irritated. i say "was i any part of that decision?" he said "part of it.. but not entirely". and he says hes irritated and pissed and stressed and tired so hes going to sleep so goodnight.... selfish much? all i know is,right now, i cant depend on my happiness from him. i have to find other ways to happiness and learn to be good to myself. i have to learn to put myself first now and let live. i deserve to be happy and love. theres lots of places to find love and happiness and i can't keep myself in this ditch... i do want a future with him but i'm definitely not okay with the way things are now. i guess only time will tell whether this is going to work out for me and him or not. but for now, i guess its best to consider him a friend... it hard to do but it seems the best way to not get hurt... and also to keep busy and find my own happiness. god, please help me find happiness and peace... and please, help r find his answer as well. please help him figure out what he wants and if its to be with me, to trust me and not fear me hurting him.... but either way, please dont let betrayal or lies be a part of what we have left and hopefully me and him will grow instead of fade... but as for right now, please help me find happiness and love within myself. |
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And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain." And he said: Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears. |
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change is the only constant in life. and damn, am i going through alot of changes. even though its uncomfortable sometimes, even though i'd rather keep doing what i've been doing and stay in my comfort zone, my life has been full of changes, rather physical than emotional my whole life, and i feel that the changes i am facing now are mainly all emotional and mental. perhaps this is part of growing up and becoming an independent adult. i like to believe that the changes i am dealing with now is for the better and will eventually help me become a better person and for me to live a better life. with that said, what i realized today is this. i spoke to r yesterday a total of probably 4 times on the phone... he was running around everywhere for christmas while i stayed at home with the family, didn't go anywhere which is fine but i was at home while he was running around everywhere. around 7 or 8 in the evening, he called but i couldn't hear anything so i called back and he said he didnt call but he probably pocket called me and said he was stressed cuz he was on his way to LA and it was raining and he was lost and his tires were flat and blah blah blah. that whole day, most of our conversations were very happy ones, he would tell me he loves me very much, and was just in a good mood, called me, and since he was in a good mood, it had me in a good mood. now when the going is good, it's great. but why does he determine my mood? why does he determine how things go between us? well, i texted last night before going to bed around midnight to see if he got to LA okay since his car was messed up and it was rainy. i didnt want to call cuz i didn't want to wake him up if he was sleeping. i got no response so i just prayed for his safety and went to bed. woke up the next morning, called around 10 am, still no response. i go about my day, eat breakfast, change, run, call again around 1 pm. still no answer but this time it stops ringing early so i figure he must be awake and i text him that i have some news to tell him. he texts that he's sleeping and calls back a little later so i tell him im worried cuz i felt nauseous and sick last night and this morning, i had reason to worry as well. of course hearing this first thing in the morning maybe wasn't the best way to wake up but he already isn't in the best mood and says lets talk about this when hes back in SD and he doesn't want to talk about it when he's 10 feet away from his family. i go to shower and while i am, he texts all this stuff about why i shouldnt worry and that i should calm down. i text back sorry i dint know i was waking him up and he was with his fam. no response back. and so went the rest of the day. it's now 6 12 and earlier, i was frustrated and agitated at myself all day. why? simple. because here i found myself again in this frustrating situation i've gotten myself into... what i seem to fail to realize every time i do this is that before, things might have been different between us or maybe i just didnt realize it. but now that i'm the one in the "bitch" position, i see that i'm being dragged around every which way based on his convenience and i also find myself so frustrated because i feel disrespected. but i need to realize that i CAN change that. i have the power to. i don't need to wait for his ass 3-5 hours a day so we can go out even though he said he'd meet with me at a earlier time. i don't need to constantly settle for whatever he wants and change my own schedule and what i want to do. i don't need to be treated this way and told that for my mistakes, i don't deserve anything from him because i know i do. i know that i am capable to love now and be loved, and i dont think he does. i dont think he knows that he's replacable. i know that what i feel for him is love but love is also a feeling that i choose to give and i can take it back if i feel i need to. the way things are now, it feels like giving him my love is only hurting me because he is only taking advantage of it and disrespecting me as a person. maybe he doesn't realize it. maybe that's the best he can do for the way that i've made mistakes in the past. but keeping things the way they are now is definitely not good for me and i know now that i CAN stand strong on my own and i am also a lovable person. i am the type of girl that needs a man to be putting me first, a man that worries about me and calls me back right away, a man that's there when he says he will be and a man that is honest, loving, simple and faithful. a man who's interested in hearing about my day, hearing about my dreams, and calling me just because he wants to hear my voice. a man that doesn't consider me to always be there for him but instead works to get me... even when we've been together for a long time. he said the other day, he loves me. he said the other day he wouldn't spend this much time with me if he didn't want to be with me again. he said he wants to have kids with me. he gave me a big smile when he said it. but if that's the case, why does he treat me this way? and why do i feel so hurt? |
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mental strength... life lessons... both things i really need right now to get out of this ridiculous neverending cycle of depression. from last night talking to danny to this morning talking to mom, i felt i came to a clear conclusion about me and r... that things just aren't meant to work out and it'll only be the same thing between us again even if we decided to get back together. and this was hours of talking to them and them telling me the same things until it finally felt like it stuck in my head. then later that day, i hear the song "i'll be there" by jackson 5 and watch sex and the city with my mom... only to feel again back at square one. just wanting to be with him again and making things work between us... is this because its love? or is it just because i'm not thinknig straight? should i go ahead and do what i wanted to for his christmas present or would that just make things worse for me? i'm doing my best now to do what's good for me.. what will make me happy and what seems best considering the fact that things are the way they are right now. tomorrow and thurs we are supposed to go christmas shopping and watch a movie... things i want to so badly be happy and excited for but something tells me to think twice before i get all excited. something tells me maybe i shouldn't... i feel so confused about the whole thing. all i know is that i've never cared for anyone or giving up so much for anyone in my life before... and just speaking to him makes me so happy. with what was said with danny and my mom, the reason why we came to the conclusion that i should leave him is cuz... he's treating me like shit and i dont deserve that. and well basically, heres the conversation. HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:24 P.M.]: and it gets to me so much :/ danny883256 [10:24 P.M.]: think about something else HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:25 P.M.]: as a guy, what do you think is his purpose for doin the things he does? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:26 P.M.]: cuz not understanding it makes me wanan figure it out and think about it danny883256 [10:26 P.M.]: he just wants to keep you in his games..because he wants you to feel that you still need him for a purpose danny883256 [10:27 P.M.]: because from how he is he seems purpose-less HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:28 P.M.]: this one guy spread a rumor, saying that im pregnant with his kid HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:28 P.M.]: and ykno what he said HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:28 P.M.]: he said "ill drug you unconscious and drag you to get an abortion" HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:28 P.M.]: i said wow... really? you dont care about me danny883256 [10:28 P.M.]: woaaah... danny883256 [10:28 P.M.]: you mess with some ignorant ppl HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:28 P.M.]: and he says "ugh of course i care, thats why i wouldnt let you get one" danny883256 [10:28 P.M.]: hey buddy wait up i am going to change users okay? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:29 P.M.]: ok danny883256 is away at 10:29 P.M. danny883256 signed off at 10:32 P.M. danny883256 is away at 10:33 P.M. danny883256 returned at 10:34 P.M. danny883256 is away at 10:34 P.M. danny883256 returned at 10:37 P.M. danny883256 [10:38 P.M.]: i'm back HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:38 P.M.]: hey danny883256 [10:38 P.M.]: what ar eyou doing? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:39 P.M.]: donwloadig music danny883256 [10:39 P.M.]: cool danny883256 [10:39 P.M.]: i'm listening to sme badass musica:p danny883256 [10:39 P.M.]: haha danny883256 [10:39 P.M.]: three doors down:-D HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:39 P.M.]: haha nice danny883256 [10:39 P.M.]: yeah imma lift kkay what time are you getting off? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:39 P.M.]: prolly in an hour or so danny883256 [10:40 P.M.]: want me to call you later?:P or are you going to pass out? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:40 P.M.]: haha idonno i might HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:40 P.M.]: im tiredd and im trying my hardest not to think about it danny883256 [10:40 P.M.]: well i guess umm i'll try to call and if your sleeping don't answer haha okay??:p danny883256 [10:41 P.M.]: want me to send you a funnyass pic of me?:p HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:41 P.M.]: i cant get picture messages HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:41 P.M.]: you can email it tho danny883256 [10:41 P.M.]: haha danny883256 [10:41 P.M.]: nahh next time:p danny883256 [10:41 P.M.]: cuz i gotat sleep early too danny883256 [10:41 P.M.]: so umm i'm i'll be back kay? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:42 P.M.]: ok danny883256 [10:42 P.M.]: :-):-) danny883256 [10:42 P.M.]: smile! HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:43 P.M.]: i dont get it danny danny883256 [10:43 P.M.]: what do you mean? danny883256 [10:44 P.M.]: i'm basically saying to cheer up smile HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:44 P.M.]: lol nono i dont get why he acts that way danny883256 [10:44 P.M.]: because he's less of a man than you thought danny883256 [10:44 P.M.]: real men don't do that to those who show love. HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:45 P.M.]: =/ yea? danny883256 [10:45 P.M.]: fuck yeah danny883256 [10:45 P.M.]: you don't talk to agirl that way never...and especially one as great as you HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:45 P.M.]: aw thanks.. danny883256 [10:46 P.M.]: yeah i mean danny883256 [10:46 P.M.]: if i had a girl like you, i'd remind you everyday why your so great and how lucky i am. danny883256 [10:46 P.M.]: he well never know what he had until it's completely gone HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:47 P.M.]: yeah.. i just dont get why he says things like how he wants to be in a relationship again later danny883256 [10:47 P.M.]: he just wants to have you around danny883256 [10:47 P.M.]: i know hwhat i am saying until later HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:47 P.M.]: and then tell me were just "Goddamned friends" now HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:47 P.M.]: but act like were still together danny883256 [10:47 P.M.]: umm your waisting your time... HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:49 P.M.]: you know whats worse danny883256 [10:49 P.M.]: what? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:49 P.M.]: nvm danny883256 [10:50 P.M.]: tell me HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:50 P.M.]: nvm =/ danny883256 [10:51 P.M.]: i can't help you until you tell me HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:52 P.M.]: when he thought i was really pregnant, he told me i have to get an abortion cuz HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:52 P.M.]: he said i can do whatever i want with my life but he said dont you dare fucking ruin mine and im selfish and stupid if i wanna keep it HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:53 P.M.]: it just really hurt to hear that... even tho it was jsut a rumor danny883256 [10:53 P.M.]: he's just selfish... danny883256 [10:53 P.M.]: fuck him really danny883256 [10:53 P.M.]: idk what you are dooing HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:55 P.M.]: i dont get why if he wants to be with me in the future, he makes it a point to tell me that were just friends now HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:55 P.M.]: i just dont understand HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:55 P.M.]: the mentality behind it danny883256 [10:55 P.M.]: idk even know why your stuck on that danny883256 [10:55 P.M.]: he treats you like shit danny883256 [10:55 P.M.]: it's your silver platter to get out of it danny883256 [10:55 P.M.]: why such tolerance for it honestly? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:56 P.M.]: wait i dont get the silver platter thing lol danny883256 [10:56 P.M.]: umm danny883256 [10:56 P.M.]: he's giving you your chance to get out HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:56 P.M.]: ohh danny883256 [10:56 P.M.]: so i just suggest you tell him he's too fucked up to you danny883256 [10:56 P.M.]: and i mean you can totally get better danny883256 [10:57 P.M.]: what are you really afraid of? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:57 P.M.]: mm.. well i guess cuz the past three years, he filled the void of my family HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:57 P.M.]: and he was also my best friend and took care of me blah blah HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [10:58 P.M.]: and im scared of losing all that and having nothing danny883256 [10:58 P.M.]: best friends don't threaten one another danny883256 [10:58 P.M.]: you made a friend in us guys... danny883256 [10:58 P.M.]: in life in order to be happy you must lose to gain...you will never just gain HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:00 P.M.]: i feel like its a huge loss though and tahts why i tolerate all this shit HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:00 P.M.]: being at home with my family now, its horrible danny883256 [11:00 P.M.]: i honestly don't know what to say... HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:00 P.M.]: its horrible not being able to escape it like i did before danny883256 [11:00 P.M.]: everything is basically out in the open for you danny883256 [11:01 P.M.]: you will eventually have to learn how to tolerate with problems solo danny883256 [11:01 P.M.]: you will never have to depend on someone for anything danny883256 [11:01 P.M.]: your a great girl, but unfortunately your ignorant sob of an ex demolished that thought HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:02 P.M.]: the funny thing is at first, his purpose was to show me what i deserve danny883256 [11:02 P.M.]: hmmm HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:03 P.M.]: i feel like i need to write down thoughts to counteract what gets me down HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:03 P.M.]: and read it everytime it goes through my head lol danny883256 [11:03 P.M.]: honestly in order for you to really smile again yo uneed to find it within you to move forward and drop all the cancer HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:03 P.M.]: until it sticks danny883256 [11:03 P.M.]: i think you should do that danny883256 [11:03 P.M.]: to better your thoughts and beliefs of a better day HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:03 P.M.]: yeah thats why your quotes have been helping me :] danny883256 [11:03 P.M.]: thanks HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:03 P.M.]: no, thank you danny883256 [11:04 P.M.]: but you still talk to him so you don't really validate it HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:05 P.M.]: yea.. HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:05 P.M.]: do you think things cant get better between me and him? danny883256 [11:05 P.M.]: you just really need to do something danny883256 [11:06 P.M.]: idk danny883256 [11:06 P.M.]: i don't relaly lke him so far HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:06 P.M.]: i knowi do danny883256 [11:06 P.M.]: idk why you think you and him stil have sometng danny883256 [11:06 P.M.]: but whatever HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:06 P.M.]: hmm... let me actaully think about that one danny883256 [11:06 P.M.]: bout what? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:07 P.M.]: why i think we have something danny883256 [11:07 P.M.]: then why complain? if you still think there is still possibility? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:07 P.M.]: cuz i feel like i cant answer that right away danny883256 [11:08 P.M.]: dk danny883256 [11:08 P.M.]: idk HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:08 P.M.]: sorry if im making you mad danny883256 [11:08 P.M.]: he's an asshole he treats you bad HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:08 P.M.]: im trying to figure it out myself.. danny883256 [11:08 P.M.]: i'm just getting frustrated because it isn't getting any easier for you HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:10 P.M.]: i feel like im getting somewhere but then thoughts come up that say since he was so good to me before, things will get better somehow in the fture and then im back at square one danny883256 [11:10 P.M.]: hmmm well then your basically bringing that upon yourself. unfortunately HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:11 P.M.]: =/ HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:11 P.M.]: ugh HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:11 P.M.]: fuck danny883256 [11:11 P.M.]: there's nothing i can at that point if your not willing to move forward HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:12 P.M.]: i need to, i know that i cant keep doing what im doing now HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:12 P.M.]: and i cant keep tolerating him treating me the way he does danny883256 [11:12 P.M.]: yup but you still do danny883256 [11:12 P.M.]: everytime HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:13 P.M.]: do you think i should give up having a better relationship with him ever again? danny883256 [11:14 P.M.]: for me to be happy it took me to do that with my ex, she treated me like shit danny883256 [11:14 P.M.]: and it hurt for a bit but i ama better person for that HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:15 P.M.]: i just hate how he tells me things like he wants to be together again in the future cuz it pulls me back danny883256 [11:15 P.M.]: but you just need to stop talking to him, that's it danny883256 [11:15 P.M.]: as long as you give him a chance he is going to exploit you HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:16 P.M.]: what does exploit mean lol danny883256 [11:16 P.M.]: take advantage of you HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:16 P.M.]: ohh HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:16 P.M.]: yea.. danny883256 [11:16 P.M.]: thats all he is really doing HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:18 P.M.]: your right huh danny883256 [11:18 P.M.]: really what i jus tsuggest is you distance yourself from him HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:18 P.M.]: this whole time i talked to him cuz i wanted him to forgive him HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:18 P.M.]: i mean forgive me danny883256 [11:18 P.M.]: for what danny883256 [11:18 P.M.]: he's just gonna use that to hurt you more HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:18 P.M.]: and realize that im trustworthy and that ive changed HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:19 P.M.]: thats why im trying to be there for him so much danny883256 [11:19 P.M.]: did you cheat or what? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:19 P.M.]: and i guess i was just hoping that he'd go back to who he was before HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:19 P.M.]: well... no, ok this is what happened danny883256 [11:19 P.M.]: one thing okay is that people never change, no matter what happens HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:20 P.M.]: he didnt want me to talk to ANY guys but i did talk to em and he got pissed HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:20 P.M.]: i tried not to but it was impossible HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:20 P.M.]: so i ended up lying about not talking to em to avoid the fighting danny883256 [11:20 P.M.]: that's utter stupidity....srry HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:20 P.M.]: and he found out and yelleda t me danny883256 [11:20 P.M.]: he's truly an idiot for not trusting you HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:20 P.M.]: and then one time, he got so paranoid and drove up to irvine without telling me HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:20 P.M.]: my friend and i got food and he wanted to check out something on the internet so i told him he can use my internet HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:21 P.M.]: he was walking with me and my ex was standing by my door HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:21 P.M.]: and he waited for two hours danny883256 [11:21 P.M.]: hes crazy HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:21 P.M.]: and when he saw me with him, he thought i was gonna hook up with him HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:21 P.M.]: and didnt beleive me HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:21 P.M.]: and omg it was horrible HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:22 P.M.]: he made me have panic attacks and he said he wanted to kill himself danny883256 [11:22 P.M.]: a fight? danny883256 [11:22 P.M.]: umm, danny883256 [11:22 P.M.]: wants to be the victim HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:22 P.M.]: i mean i understand.. if i was in his position, i'd be weirded out at fist HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:22 P.M.]: first HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:23 P.M.]: iuno but i guess i feel bad for lying and putting him thrugh that HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:24 P.M.]: and i wanna show him that im trustworthy so thats why at first, all i did was apologize over and over danny883256 [11:24 P.M.]: hmmm' HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:25 P.M.]: i'd call him and leave him messages and he told me to fuck off HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:25 P.M.]: and now, HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:25 P.M.]: we talk civally? but he still treats me like shit when something i say pisses him off danny883256 [11:26 P.M.]: fuck him HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:26 P.M.]: and he says he wants to make clear were just friends but wants to have a relationship in the future. HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:26 P.M.]: and when i saw him to hang out with him as a friend, he was all over me HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:26 P.M.]: and it really fucked with my head danny883256 [11:27 P.M.]: hmmm dont see him nor talk to him... HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:28 P.M.]: yea? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:28 P.M.]: i guess while we were together, i felt like i'd never been treated better danny883256 [11:28 P.M.]: i forbid u HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:28 P.M.]: than the way he treated me danny883256 [11:28 P.M.]: hmmm HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:29 P.M.]: hmm danny883256 [11:31 P.M.]: idk what to say HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:31 P.M.]: idonno what to do danny883256 [11:32 P.M.]: :-) HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:33 P.M.]: am i frustrating you ? >_< danny883256 [11:35 P.M.]: nop i just don't know what to say anymore HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:35 P.M.]: im going to save this conversation HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:35 P.M.]: and write down everything you said that i need to tell myself danny883256 [11:35 P.M.]: what i say really matters? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:35 P.M.]: yes HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:36 P.M.]: alot danny883256 [11:36 P.M.]: thanks<3 HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:36 P.M.]: no, thank you danny883256 [11:36 P.M.]: :] HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:37 P.M.]: i have that emptiness too =/ HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:37 P.M.]: whenever im not talking to him, i always wonder what hes doing HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:37 P.M.]: thats why i end up calling him HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:37 P.M.]: or talking to him danny883256 [11:37 P.M.]: hmmm danny883256 [11:38 P.M.]: can i fill it? HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:38 P.M.]: idonno i havent tried to HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:38 P.M.]: i dont get why HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:39 P.M.]: he seems jus fine with all this HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:39 P.M.]: and its so hard for me HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:39 P.M.]: thats another big thing i dont understand danny883256 [11:40 P.M.]: fuck it and he can go to hell! HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:40 P.M.]: i wish i could say that HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:40 P.M.]: and think that danny883256 [11:41 P.M.]: keep it in your head HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:42 P.M.]: i wonder if i stopped talking to him, it would even bother him danny883256 [11:43 P.M.]: that shouldnt matter HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:43 P.M.]: it shouldnt but it does =/ danny883256 [11:43 P.M.]: and that's what you need to work out HYPNOTiK x TRIXY [11:43 P.M.]: yeah.. danny883256 [11:44 P.M.]: i don't think my advice is needed at this point, i am here to talk but at the point of completing your happiness its all down to you and with my mama, we were talking about it and basically, we agreed that he's very similar in his ways to dad. she said that people like that usually will hold a grudge for a loong time, and bring it up for every little thing you do. so basically, it would be really hard and alot for me to deal with that, and out of all people, my mom would know haha. she also said that right now, it seems like the decisions he's making are all selfish, based on his own needs and going at his own pace, and because of that, it'd be hard for me to acheieve all my dreams and goals if i'm with someone like that, especially when i'm young and i should be enjoying myself. all and all, i think what got me to agree with her is when she said that he's going to be just like dad as a father... and if that's true, i don't think i want a family with a husband/father like that. we were also talking about his family and the lack of trust among everyone. his dad is definitely a bit extreme when it comes to trust issues.... but then again, so is dad. i'm starting to see a VERY common pattern, of controlling behavior and anger problems among the guys. even irvin and nat had similar problems, and still are... r says that "when things settle down, we can talk about our future together again" and when i asked about how he feels about the way things are now, he said "i've come to grips with it". i feel like at this point, since were not together, if i look at whether i wanna continue this or not, my answer is no. it's killing me to think that i'm giving out my heart to someone and yet we're not together... he makes it clear that we are just friends.. but when we hung out, he was also all over me and was the one holding my hand... when i asked why he's doing that if we're "just friends", he said "well your not just some friend... were BFFL, best freinds for life" as if that makes things any better... i'm at the point where i feel i NEED to make a decision to move forward, i need to make a change and choose which direction to go or i will literally end up going crazy over the same thing. and its the holiday season so what better time than now to start off the new year. i want to be happy. i want to find peace and i want to become a better and stronger person than i was in the past. i feel that it is worth still trying for my christmas gift for r, and planning it all out unless i become 100% sure about leaving him completely. otehrwise, i feel it is worth doing it and preparing the whole thing and going through with it whole-heartedly, its a risk i am willing to take. and these are the things i got out of sex and the city. "I know your scared of me hurting you, but we've already done everything to screw things up... it can only get better" "If you love me I need yu to put your trust in me" "Risk that the love we have won't allow your fears to happen." "When it comes to love, you'll know and all that logic will go out the window with the past" |
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The Wandering Butterfly A wandering butterfly with tired wings beating its wings hard through the unpleasant weather through harsh rain and even thunder Alone and confused about the direction she goes but she knows she must keep going for there will be a brighter day A day when the sun will shine again, A day her wings won't hurt so much to beat. A day when she'll know her direction and find herself flying higher than she'd ever imagined. She looks to her side and sees there are other butterflies, flying with her in her direction. No longer does she fly with strained effort, she simply lets the wind carry her. No longer does she carry tired and battered wings, they are stronger. Now she flys high with stronger wings, flys high with greater ease, flys high with the free breeze, letting it carry her wherever it pleases. Now she flys high and finds herself attracting other strong wings that want to join her. But she cannot stray too far from the path she has put so much in to find for then she will find herself again in the harsh rain with tired wings. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions. |
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"acceptance of change is part of love" -Chungking Express 8 Signs Your Relationship Is in Jeopardy When things are going right between you and your partner, you can feel it. You're happy when you are together; you support each other; you think and talk about each other (in positive ways) when you're not together. And when things aren't going well, you can feel that, too. Here are eight signs that your relationship may be in jeopardy. 1. Your partner appears terrified every time the "Where are we headed?" talk comes up. It's a fair request to ask for some clarity about where the relationship is going. You don't want to put too much pressure on the other person, but there is nothing wrong with trying to get a sense of where things stand. If your partner freaks out and gets defensive whenever you bring up the subject, then he or she may not be as invested in the relationship as you are. That's not necessarily a problem, especially early in your time together. But if you two have been together for a good long while and your partner still doesn't want to even discuss the status of your relationship, then that's a definite sign that your relationship is in jeopardy. 2. One of you constantly demands to be the center of the relationship. Ideally, a relationship is made up of two individuals who work to achieve a balance. On the one hand, they each want to make sure that their individual needs are being met. On the other hand, they want to make sacrifices for their partner and compromise, even when it goes against their own desires. If your partner is demanding too much attention, ordering you around, and insisting on having his or her way every time a disagreement arises, then that's a problem. You two are probably going to have a hard time building the kind of respectful relationship that allows for maximum personal and relational growth if one of you refuses to compromise and sacrifice. 3. The focus is on what's wrong rather than right. When you two talk about how things are going between you, do you seem to always end up trying to address problems? If so, your relationship might be in trouble. This isn't to say that you shouldn't address relational obstacles. Even the healthiest relationships face conflict and struggle from time to time. And, of course, you two should try to resolve whatever difficulties you face together. But if it seems that all you ever do when you talk about your relationship is solve problems and overcome difficulties, as opposed to enjoying each other's company and laughing together, then something may not be quite right between you. 4. Conflict has made itself a permanent part of your relationship. Again, there's nothing wrong with arguing. All couples do. And conflict, when it's handled in a way that is respectful, can actually be good for a relationship. But if you feel that all you and your partner do is argue, that's a problem. A healthy relationship is full of laughter, gratitude, kindness, and respect. If conflict is crowding out all these elements and leaving you with nothing but constant squabbling, then it's going to be tough to build a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. 5. One of you deals with frequent jealousy. There has to be a high level of trust for any relationship to work. Both people need to know that when they aren't together, they don't have to worry about what the other person is up to. If you find yourself always wondering if your partner is being true, then that will be a huge hurdle for your relationship to overcome. Likewise, if your partner refuses to trust you even though you have given him or her no reason to doubt you, that's another sign that the relationship isn't headed in a promising direction. 6. One of you is feeling less and less invested in spending time together. There are going to be times when one of you legitimately has to spend extra time at work or on some other type of project. And there will be times when you'll spend time with other friends and your family. But if an ongoing pattern emerges where your significant other is repeatedly choosing to spend more time with his or her friends than with you, or to put in more time than necessary at work, it could be a warning sign. When all kinds of distractions continually pull your partner away, there's a good chance that those distractions have become more important in your partner's mind than you are. 7. One of you isn't feeling supported. Constant (or even frequent) criticism is one of the most obvious signs that a relationship is in trouble. It can really wear you down to hear over and over again that you should dress differently, avoid making a certain type of joke, or act a certain way when you're with a certain group of friends. And it's just as hard on a relationship. Constant criticism is often a sign of underlying anger or insecurity-neither of which makes a relationship work well. If you continually harp on the negative characteristics of each other, leaving out all the positive qualities you each possess, then it's going to be hard for the relationship to succeed. 8. Your emotional needs aren't being met. We all have certain desires and expectations for how we expect to be treated by the people we care about. And some of those desires and expectations are actual needs. In other words, we can't survive and thrive as individuals if those needs aren't met. So if one or both of you is failing to have your most basic emotional needs addressed by the connection you share, then that's a definite sign that your relationship may be in jeopardy. If two or three of the items in this list apply to you and your partner, there may not be anything to really worry about it. You should still explore that facet of your relationship and see if you can strengthen the bond you share. But as noted before, even the best relationships struggle from time to time. However, if you read through the eight signs listed in this article and found yourself relating to these issues much more than you'd like, then this is a good time to give some serious thought to the question of whether this a relationship into which you want to invest so much of your time, mind, and heart. i believe these apply to both romantic relationships and friendship-based relationships, basically any meaningful relationship to a person. |
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i, Saeko.... will be my own leader. i live to love and love to live. :] saeko oishi is awesome because she's: |
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yesterday was a very inspirational and overall great day for me. :] i went to OC rescue mission with cslp. i'm so glad i went cuz it felt so good to be doing something to help out other people in need and just have a good time meeting new people and seeing how they live their lives. i served food to the homeless and transitioning families and later sat down and ate with them. the food was actually not bad at all and i sat with a girl from cslp b, and we started lookin for someone to talk to; these two cute lil kids sitting behind us started looking over and shy at first but just started chatting away. a 6 and 4 year old little girl and boy, rondell and carla. they looked so happy and carefree. they were so hyper and energetic too... their momma seemed very tired and grouchy, but we enjoyed their hyperness and played along. they were jumping around and climbing over our table, and just acting crazy! they started messing up me and b's hair and just giggling the whole time. carla forgot her bracelet that rondell tried to give me so i kept it safe for her, i want to keep it safe forever :] it makes you realize that there's so much in this world to be grateful and happy for. the facility was really nice, (of course, cuz its in OC) but the families and people there were also very nice and friendly as well. later last night i went with s to the santa ana arts and music festival to meet up with her crush and friend, she wanted me to come to "investigate" this guy before she got herself too involved with him. it was a pretty fun and inspiring place to be, a bunch of artists showcasing their art and playing music. j and e were cool, j kinda came off to me as goofy at first but after talking to him for a bit, i see what s sees in him. afterwards, we headed down to a hookah bar in magnolia, that was pretty tight. it was in a club atmosphere with good music and dark room with bright lights. we chilled there for about 5 hours? s and j were getting cozy and it made me happy that they were getting along so well :] i just made conversation with e about music and hip hop cuz he's a producer and all and that was pretty cool. til 3 am and then went to dennys after to get some food. there, we were all just fucking tired and dizzy from the smoke. but we got some food and j started talking about life... and humanity and fate and god and wow it was very inspiring. e joined in and we all just had a nice, thoughtful discussion about life. things like that just made me think about how beautiful life really can be, and even though life doesn't go my way sometimes, there are better times to come and i just have to accept the things that i can't control. God has a plan for me and i just have to trust in it. nat called me earlier before i went to the festival and she told me she just talked to r and he said he was in LA picking up keys for his friend? she asked if he went to see his bro but he said he's in Japan. hmm? anyway, i also got a call from r asking me if im ok cuz he heard about the fire on the radio.. he told me he was driving home from downtown cuz he had to do the paperwork for his parents. that made me happy that he called me, even though we only spoke for a little bit, he told me that im still one of his closest friends even though ive stabbed him in the back a bunch of times... he also asked if ive met or been talking to any guys and i said no and he told me how is he suppose to believe me since ive lied in the past, i just told him that from now on, he'll see that what i speak is the truth and that he can trust me. he said we'll see... but with the shit going on in his life, he can't be in a relationship and after all this shit is over, he probably wont have time for a relationship. when i asked him if he's been talking to girls, he just said no and he has no interest in that nor time for it in his life right now. i asked him about us and i told him in order for things to get better, we have to keep in touch and he said "well were talking now arent we?" so... hopefully, things are looking better and will get better between the two of us. thats what i'm hoping for. after hearing j talk about life, it gave me a more optimistic and brighter perspective on life and hopeful about me and r. and seeing and hearing what s felt about j also gave me new hope for me and r... so hopefully, hopefully this beautiful feeling of hope im feeling is real and will result in a soon to be happy reconnection between me and r. i definitely realize though that this break/breakup is helping both of us... or at least me, in seeing so much that i was blind to before. it's opened my eyes up to a world that i had been blind to before and pushed away and now i feel more alive and optimistic than ever, i just hope to share that with r... because i realize now too how grateful i should be for what r did for me and just the amazing and wonderful person that r is. im so thankful of course also to God for revealing these things to me... i was so confused at first as to why things were the way they were and i kept fighting against what was inevitable and part of God's plan. it took a while for me to realize these things but its slowly and gradually making sense and i am so grateful. hopefully r starts letting me back into his life slowly again and when he does, i plan on being a much greater and better human being than i was before. i hope that i won't be let down by him and my faith in us but if i am, i know that i am strong enough to accept it and move on as well, i just put my faith in God's plan. i know now in my heart what it is i want and the changes i need to make. i see now the things i failed to see before. God is amazing and i am so thankful. thank you, this past 48 hours have been amazing.
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contemplative
grateful
hopeful